An award-winning Yorkshire landlord has taken to verse to express his frustrations over a small minority of UK pub customers for whom nothing, it seems, is ever good enough but who can be quick to complain in person and online.
Calvin Dow, who was educated in Brigg and operated a pub in the town at one time, calls himself Disgruntled Pub Landlord Having a Rant.
"It's just a bit of fun," he says of his poem that Brigg Blog had spotted online, "but I'm sure many publicans, chefs and bar workers can relate, wholeheartedly."
There's a saying that the customer is always right, but having spent more time on licensed premises across the UK than most, and over many decades, Brigg Blog has observed a few fellow customers who would try the patience of a saint.
Here's Calvin's poem...
LIFE BEHIND BARS
Publicans, Chefs and Bar Staff across the Country wide
Let's all unite together and tell them from our side!
You come into our pubs, never wipe your feet and let your kids run riot
Our extensive menu just isn't enough because your wife's still on that diet!
Gluten free this and vegan that, we're trying so hard to please
But there's so many things, we're trying our best, come on, we're down on our knees!
“This is nothing special!” “It's just pub grub!” “We expected real fine dining!”
Look, it says pub on the sign, what do you want, just shut up and stop whining!
The soup's too hot, the coffee's too cold and apparently our food is too dear!
Just what has happened to the good old days, when you went to the pub for a beer?
“We've got a coach to catch!” “Where is our food?” “We've waited well over an hour!”
Give us a break, and with a face like that, no wonder your beer has gone sour!
“This veg isn't fresh!” “This meat's not local!” “Don't treat me like a sucker!”
Well, if you can do better, why leave the house, surely you've got you're own cooker!
She raved about this and ranted about that, but stormed out before I could advise her
But instead of telling me the truth, yes, straight to TripAdvisor!
There was a man, so rude to me, he swore and got up right in my space
Let me tell you, just one word more, I'd have smacked him square in the face!
“No baby changing?” “No colouring books?” “Just what kind of pub is this?”
A proper one, luv, you must remember, because it sounds like you're taking the p***!
“I'd like a jug of water and two glasses, brought to the table we've chosen”
Not a problem, Sir, but I hope you don't mind, that all of our ice cubes are frozen!
“Landlord, you must provide free water at all times, just so that you know!”
Turn up here, in the middle of the night, yes, from a bucket via top window!
“I want a refund!” “I'll pay you half!” “I'm simply not paying for this!”
But you've eaten the food, that's not how it works, next time, just give us a miss!
“I was next, not her! Were you a good Landlord, you'd know what to do!”
But, ah yes, were you a good customer, you'd know how to queue, wouldn't you?
“What can I get you?” “I don't know!” Why is this such a hard task?
Whatever he wants, when he decides, I bet he orders the Guinness last!
“I'd like a BLT, without tomato and hold the salad garni!”
Have you any idea, what you've just ordered from me, is nowt but a bacon sarnie!
“This beer is cloudy, but it tastes alright, is there a way that you can amend?”
If it tastes okay, just close you're eyes, that way, it won't offend!
“We want to sit here, no, we want to sit there!” yet they move all the menus on tables
Give us a break, they all read the same, this is more than my patience enables!
“I can't drink gin out of a half-pint glass, what are you doing? That's sacrilege!”
There's no glasses left, because you don't bring them back! I'm throwing me off a bridge!
There's dogs on the seats, kids running around with parents giving them chase
“There's a hair in my food!” “It's too noisy in here!” My God, get me out of this place!
“We've always fancied a pub, when we retire, it looks like such a nice pastime!”
Honestly guys, if that's what you think, here's the keys, you can just have mine!